A monk named Joe

A monk named Joe

(plagiarized/adapted from Suryanangama Sutra, Yeshe Tsogyal, and Dogen)

So there I was, a monk named Joe.  I was sitting in Lotus Position on my zafu, gazing at the wall.  I had been for some time. 

One day, while meditating, I found myself in total darkness.  Then, I experienced it as an open expanse, and the darkness was gone, the whole thing turned to light.  I used my mind to intently investigate that light, and the light pervaded my body...

My mind became clear, unveiled, bright, and penetrating, an internal light shone forth and turned everything into gold. All the various species of beings were transformed. I saw Vairochana Buddha seated upon a platform of celestial light, he was surrounded by a thousand Buddhas, who simultaneously appeared upon lotus blossoms in a hundred million lands.

I reached a state where I could see the earth, the mountains, and the rivers in the ten directions turn into Buddhalands replete with the seven precious things, their light was shining everywhere. 

I saw Buddhas as many as the sands of the Ganges, filling all of space. I saw pavilions and palaces that are resplendent and beautiful. I saw the hells below and the celestial palaces above, all without obstruction.

It was beyond word, thought, and description. I journeyed on the plain of the view free from extremes, while regarding appearance and existence as dharmakaya, on the plain of the meditation of empty bliss, beyond meditation and post-meditation.

Then suddenly it occurred to me that I had to use the toilet rather urgently.  I put on my slippers, picked up my towel, and stood.  I walked past the other monks and found my way.

I arrived at the toilet, but another monk was using it.  I hung my towel over the clothes pole, careful to remember the character written on the moon-shaped circles on sheets of white paper nearest to the pole I hung it on.

Another monk arrived and was also waiting.  I faced him, bowed with hands folded in front of my chest, and he did the same.  I took off my jacket and the gown, and hung them next to the towel. I took off my temple slippers, and put on straw bathroom slippers, and waited.

When the time came, I entered the toilet. I poured a little water from the bucket into the bowl of the toilet. I stood, facing the toilet bowl, and clicked the fingers of my right hand three times, with my left hand against my hip making a fist, as per our custom.  I put the hem of my skirt and the edges of my clothes in order, faced the entrance, positioned my feet either side of the rim of the bowl, squatted down, and defecated.  

I used the two lots of seven balls of soil, and pointy stick, with a little water, and used a little bit of paper, just the be sure.

Then, I washed my hands, got dressed, and returned to my zafu.